Shadow Gets His Rocks Off
by Happy Dickfart
Summary: Ever wonder what sex and love with a Chaos Emerald would be like? Shadow knows.


Shadow Gets His Rocks Off, by Dickfart

A groggy Shadow grumbled down the stairs one morning.

"I don't want to get up. I don't want to go to work. I hate mornings. No time for coffee. Where's that DAMN fourth chaos emerald?!"

"It's up your ass, where it always is," said Rogue behind her newspaper, lounging in the kitchen in her tighty-whities and no bra. She lifted her buttcheek and ripped an incredible fart that shook dining room paintings and singed Shadow's nose hairs, but the black and red hedgehog had more important matters to attend to.

"Oh, there it is," said Shadow, pulling it off the top of the fridge. "Oh, you've been a naughty fourth chaos emerald, haven't you? Yes, DAMN naughty, and harder than Rogue's nipples."

"What? It's cold in here," said Rogue, taking a sip of her coffee. "Shadow, be a dear and go be gay somewhere else for awhile. Knuckles will be out of the shower any minute and I'm hoooorny."

"Hmph, very well. Your seven AM coitus doesn't interest me in the least," Shadow lied, taking himself and his damn fourth chaos emerald into the nearest closet. He could hear muffled voices.

"Hey, j-jugs. D-daddy's got some hot salami for you today," said Knuckles, quivering. "Geez, it's really hard saying that with a straight face."

"Well, get used to it, because it turns me on," Rogue purred, and they exchanged a few sloppy, open-mouthed kisses.

"So where's Lord the Edgehog today?" asked Knuckles.

"In the closet," said Rogue.

"Ah, well. That explains why he turned down the threesome." Some more moans and wet kissing later, and Shadow could feel all of the blood in his perfect body surge into his perfect penis. He considered coming out of the closet and allowing that red buffoon to plow him cowgirl style, but the warm emerald in his hand glowed eagerly.

"You volunteer to be my love slave, Damn Fourth?" said Shadow. The rock was not sentient, and therefore did not respond with words; however, it glowed brighter. "Very well, but I warn you, I can't always control the barbs on my penis. That's why Shrek and Sonic always top."

He whipped his junk out and started to rub it against the chaos emerald, trying to sync himself to the sound of Rogue's moans. She knew how to have a good time, and Shadow learned a lot from her. Also, the heat the emerald was giving off was incredible. He was not deterred at all by how hard the stone was, and it was not disturbed by the barbed nature of his penis.

"Who's your daddy?" said Shadow, humping like a desperate cowgirl. "Answer me when I speak to you, you DAMN slutty chaos whore emerald."

"It's a rock. It doesn't understand you," said Rogue between moans.

"The hell it doesn't," he said, humping harder, harder. Bringing himself closer, closer, until his toes curled and he bit the inside of his cheek. Then a tsunami ripped from his crotch.

"CHAOS CLIMAX!"

Shadow came pure chaos energy, and it shot a train-sized hole through Rogue's apartment and the rest of Mobius like a FUCKING ka me ha me ha wave! The blast whacked Silver across the cheek, breaking a few of his teeth, and then it took the shape of a fist and zero'd in on Sonic's luscious, inviting anal cavity. Not even Sonic was fast enough to resist Shadow's cross country donkey punch, and when it hit his prostate he howled with so much pleasure that every character in Smash had a tingle in their privates. Even losers like Mii Swordfighter, who nobody ever uses.

"Mama Mia, Sonic. Hai un ragazzo? Some cosmic force just launched his love juice into your a furry farter."

"Shadow..." said Sonic, rubbing his ravaged rump. "Well, it's better from a distance. His dick is barbed, you know."

"Mine's not..." Mario offered, but Sonic went fast five thousand miles in the opposite direction before Mario could even say the words.

Meanwhile, Rogue was pissed that Shadow wrecked YET ANOTHER apartment.

"So you and that-that..."

"Damn fourth chaos emerald?"

"YOU BOTH CAN JUST GET OUT OF MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW!"

So he did, and then he teleported to Shrek's swamp, only to find that Shrek was having Shrex with Goku tonight.

"Fuck!" said Shadow. "This is all your fault!"

He threw THAT DAMN FOURTH CHAOS EMERALD into the swamp, and there it stayed for all eternity. All damn... and fourth... and chaos emerald-y.

Shadow ran off crying.

Breaking up is never easy.

The End


End file.
